Categories
Irish Grassroots Football

My Core Values

I had a very positive meeting with a fellow coach the other day. I enjoy meeting up with other coaches because just like coaching sessions you always learn something new.

We spoke about about core values and how to develop your own. I have them in my head but never wrote them down. That meeting has made me do just that.

What Are Core Coaching Values?

For example, some people love to repair or fix stuff – as kids, they took apart their toys only to put them back together, and as adults they still love fixing in the garage. So “Repairing” is a value for them – they don’t have to force themselves to fix stuff, they just do it.

The values underlie our work, how interact with each other, and which strategies we employ to our mission.  The core values are the basic elements of how we go about our work.  They are the practices we use (or should be using) every day in everything we do. I believe that one of the best way to make a positive impact on your team and teach your players life lessons is to develop your own list of core values.

This is a list that you carry with you all the time and you should clearly emphasise these core values with your team.

“It is your consistency in behaviour which creates respect and trust in your players, leading to a quality relationship”. – Not Sure who?

It MUST be written down…

Research suggest this is one of the best things you can do as a coach. Your message will get clearer. You’ll have a more profound impact on your players. They will respect you. They will work harder. And you will feel better about the impact you’re having on the team by implementing them.

When JOHN WOODEN, the great coach at UCLA finished 2nd year, his father gave him a card entitled, 7 Suggestions to Follow.

They were:

  • Be true to yourself.
  • Help others.
  • Make each day your masterpiece.
  • Drink deeply from good books, especially the Good Book.
  • Make friendship a fine art.
  • Build a shelter for a rainy day.
  • Pray for guidance and count and give thanks for your blessings each day.

Wooden kept a copy of the card in his pocket the rest of his life and used these philosophies in coaching.

“Let’s face it. You can’t teach your players all the hundreds of life lessons there are to teach. But if you FOCUS on a small set of core values every day in your practices and actions, you can have a tremendous positive effect on your players”.

Consistency is vital. Focus is vital. Repetition is vital.

“Repeating the same things over and over again until the players themselves are the ones repeating it back to you.”

All coaches should have their own list of documented and clear core values

I’ve just finished my own list. All of the things on my list will have special meaning and make sense to me. I believe in them. I have been working on them for sometime now (in my head) and when you do yours, spend the time needed to get them just right. Try and spend sometime developing yours but then again you might want to put yours together quickly, so you have them for the coming season. Either way, just by having something written down you’ll be helping the players you coach.

“The goal of the staff at La Masia is to provide young kids with an education that goes far beyond football tactics and technique; it makes them good people, with strong values.” FCB

The idea of core values as discussed here was first presented by the late Thomas Leonard, a pioneer in the field of life coaching.

 List of Core ValuesMy Core Values: 

Mission: To improve Participation, Positive Learning and Development.

 
Playing Sport is one of the greatest journeys in life that begins from a very young age and can continue throughout our lives, culminating in lifelong memories of joy, despair, happiness and friendships.

 

 

LEARNING (Care, Education, Growth, Personal Growth)

I’ll always be a learner – always educating myself to improve and do better for the players I coach. The heart of education is learning, so it is my belief that I should model this at all times.  But I also try to create an environment that supports coaches and players on their journey as well. I want every player I coach to know that I was once a player and that I care about how they perform. I want to learn from them, just as much as they will learn from me. You will learn that mistakes are part of the process, however at all times we will work and focus on success not failure. I will place the interest of the the people I work with first in everything I do. The Fundamental goal is to keep kids enjoying Sport for life.

“The very best coaches teach you more than technique and tactics of a sport, they teach you about life.”

 “Tell me and I’ll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I’ll understand.”

HEALTH (Food, Mindset, Lifestyle, Fitness, Fun & Habits)

I value my health more than anything in my life. Without it, you have nothing; you can’t do very much and it can also affect you mentality. I value my mental, social, physical, emotional and spiritual health and will encourage others do value theirs. Creating a culture of health and well-being is important to me. There is no better feeling in the world, than that feeling after you have worked out, this is what fuels my fire.

“Physical fitness is not only one of the most important keys to a healthy body, it is the basis of dynamic and creative intellectual activity.” John F. Kennedy

TEAMWORK (Enjoyment, Eagerness, Goals, Improve, Pride, Relationships & Respect)

I believe in the value of teamwork and spirit of cooperative effort. Every member in the team has to perform and contribute in his best possible way to achieve a common predefined goal. Individual performances do not count in a team and it is the collective performance of the players, which matters the most. I take pride and everyone plays a part.

Teamwork in football is the most important aspect of the team dynamic.

  • I will demonstrate compassion and respect for each other.
  • I will always work hard to create a team environment and fun atmosphere.
  • I will make sure we always work together and help each other.
  • I will encourage growth and positive learning, a will to win and desire to never stop learning.
  • Developing strong relationships, respecting others, and showing sincere care to everyone around you.

This is something we will embrace as a team. Healthy competition will be encouraged and team members will be motivated to perform and improve. Teams members will learn to appreciate individual skill and game intelligence. We play to win but not at all cost and recognise both endeavour and achievement. Working for the welfare of the team. Each individual working for the team not himself. 

“Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success.”

“I’ve worked too hard and too long to let anything stand in the way of my goals. I will not let my teammates down, and I will not let myself down.” Mia Hamm

ATTITUDE (Choice, Discipline, Focus, Performance, Positivity, Train)

For success attitude is equally as important as ability. I will strive to have a positive attitude in practice, games, and all aspects of my live. My attitude is what defines me. My attitude affects me and the people around me. My attitude affects my performance in games and training. As a coach, I should spend most of my time thinking about the positive things, the players are doing – versus dwelling on the negative ones (mistakes). I focus on the things I can control. I must always consciously train and perform. I will always have a “proactive” attitude.

Just remember that every moment, every situation, provides a new choice, the effort is the same. This means that life is what I make of it. I choose happiness. I choose sadness. I choose decisiveness. I choose success. I choose failure. I choose courage. I choose fear and in doing so, it gives me a perfect opportunity to do things differently to produce more positive results. Having a proactive attitude is about taking responsibility for my life. I will have a positive and proactive attitude in everything we do.

“Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.”

“Talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence wins championships.” – Michael Jordan

HONESTY (Integrity, Morality, Sportsmanship & Trust)

Some believe Honesty is the beginning of education. For us to succeed we must have honesty and we must trust each other. This is one of the most important things you can do. Honesty applies to your life in countless ways and it can have different meanings. I must search for those meanings.

  • An honest person is someone that can be trusted and relied upon.
  • An honest person completes their agreements and promises.
  • An honest person is also someone that lives with integrity and character, is reliable and someone that others can count on.

Be responsible. Live with integrity and character. Be a good sport. Be true to yourself.

The trust I hold will be fulfilled with professionalism, conscientiousness, and respect for the people I coach. Trust is an important part of learning; if a player trusts me then he/she will do their best for the team. If there is trust, then players are more apt to take risks.

Integrity, it’s a big word and one that gets used a lot.  However, I believe it’s essential to build trust and relationships. I think it imperative to be true to what I say and what I believe. It is important to walk the walk and follow through with promises.  I will observe fair play both on and off the pitch and will be generous in victory and dignified in defeat. Mutual respect forms the basis of our team. Without integrity, my message is lost.

“Each time you are honest and conduct yourself with honesty, a success force will drive you toward greater success. Each time you lie, even with a little white lie, there are strong forces pushing you toward failure”. 

“I am a member of a team, and I rely on the team, I defer to it and sacrifice for it, because the team, not the individual, is the ultimate champion.”Mia Hamm 

HARD WORK (Determination, Discipline, Effort, Mental Strength, Patient, Perseverance, Success & Toughness)

In life there are certain things you cannot control. But there is one thing you can control 100% of the time — YOUR EFFORT. I have 100% control of my effort. I have a choice give 1% 10% 50% or 100%,  because of that I expect the same from the people I coach to ALWAYS give their best effort. Even 1% more is working harder. There is no excuse I can give because I have control over it.  As a players, you might miss a few chances. You might give the ball away, but it’s the effort you make to get it back. You won’t always play well, but you can always give it your best effort. As a coach I can live with mistakes, it’s part of the process, but what I can’t live with is anything less than your maximum effort.

  • You will always get 100% from me.
  • It’s important to be in the moment!
  • Focus on what you’re doing, when you’re doing it! 
  • There is no substitute for hard work. Hard work almost always pays off. 

“Sportsmanship for me is when a guy walks off the court and you really can’t tell whether he won or lost, when he carries himself with pride either way.” – Jim Courier

“The harder you work, the luckier you get.”

My Teams

My teams we will strive to show incredible perseverance and resiliency, with a never say die attitude. We will play through mistakes and always stick to our philosophy. I believe it’s critical to always persevere — never give up and don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Anything is possible through hard work and perseverance. Through perseverance, hard work and determination, we are committed to bringing success to our team. All the very best Olympians achieved success to participate in world-class event because of their enduring persistence and how they keep on going in spite of all the challenges they face along their journey. Perseverance brings Success. Not only in sports can we find perseverance a common characteristic of people with success, we can find this to be common in all different areas of life. I will keep reminding myself that success only likes people who are determined and keep going no matter what it takes!

“Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did.” – Newt Gingrich

“Desire is the key to motivation, but it’s determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal – a commitment to excellence – that will enable you to attain the success you seek.” – Mario Andretti

That’s them all, for now!

All my players will play with a smile (and always have fun…)

The single most important aspect of playing sport is having FUN. We are going to work hard, but enjoy the process and hopefully with lots of success, but always having fun. Enjoy improving and learning at every opportunity. My playing days, were some of the best times of my life, they still are. No I didn’t always play, start, or do well – I wasn’t always on the A team and Yes, it was hard work at times but, I loved it and learned from it. I say to my players to focus on the things you are good at and work to improve at each and every opportunity. Enjoy the process and put your energy into the positive things. (Always give thanks)

For now, these are my core values, which I can’t imagine will change much. Hopefully you can get some inspiration to write down yours. These will help me remember what is important. Thanks to Mike O’Toole for suggesting I write them down.

I particularly like these quotes, along with all the others ones:

“The Spirit of Sports: The spirit of sports gives each of us who participate an opportunity to be creative. Sports knows no sex, age, race or religion. Sports gives us all the ability to test ourselves mentally, physically and emotionally in a way no other aspect of life can. For many of us who struggle with ‘fitting in’ or our identity – sports gives us our first face of confidence. That first bit of confidence can be a gateway to many other great things!” – Dan O’Brien 

“In the end, it’s extra effort that separates a winner from second place. But winning takes a lot more that, too. It starts with complete command of the fundamentals. Then it takes desire, determination, discipline, and self-sacrifice. And finally, it takes a great deal of love, fairness and respect for your fellow man. Put all these together, and even if you don’t win, how can you lose?” – Jesse Owens

I’d like to know what you think and please send me yours.

-End

Categories
Psychology

Visualisation and Innonence

Leading Sports Psychology expert Dan Abrahams in his highly recommended book SOCCER TOUGH refers to a young Wayne Rooney visualising a perfect performance before going to bed the night before a game. 

Abrahams  says  that, visualisation if done in the right way can become a very important tool where this technique can be used  to help players develop a “rehearsal script“ to help them manage their thinking and build self-belief.  Seeing as the brain has a tendency towards a negative bias i.e to remember the things that go wrong, positive visualisation techniques can shift the players mindset to a more confident image.

This got me thinking about the innocence of street football from my childhood in Cork City Ireland as we dreamt up fantasy professional careers for ourselves, commentating as we played, copying our heroes, visualising our faultless performances in World Cup finals.  We were Brazils JOSIMAR hitting 30 meter thunderbolts (8 meters in street terms) past helpless goalkeepers and how did we celebrate…. YES like MARCO TARDELLI. I knew a lad who wanted to leave his hair grow long just so that he could play like Argentinas MARIO KEMPES. Hours were spent on our own in back gardens or on the streets  living out famous sequences from games that we watched on TV, all while the commentator in our head continuously found new superlatives to describe our incredible footballing deeds.  

In essence and innocence it can be argued that  we were using what modern sports psychologists refer to as positive visualisation techniques. It helped us learn the game, it helped us love the game, it helped us live and relive the game and it made us laugh … it was fun.

Then it all stopped. Adolescence came calling, we were expected  to  behave a certain way,  we became less creative as we fell into structured schooling with its standardised testing and structured football coaching with its adult expectations . We were expected to make less mistakes or at least cover up our mistakes. Failing was once part of our creative process  and now to paraphrase Becket, no more could we “Fail and fail better !”

Sometimes to develop as footballers we need to take a step back in years.

By Mark O Sullivan (UEFA B Academy coach at BOO FF Stockholm and sports director at espanyolfootball.com)

See Mark’s Blog FOOTBLOGBALL

Categories
Coaching Clinics Irish Grassroots Football

How to Develop Speed with Mike Antoniades – BOOK NOW

SPEED WORKSHOP

NOTE: DATE NOW CONFIRMED – SATURDAY 7 DECEMBER 2013

BOOK NOW

CALL 087 218 3837 For Further Info

How to develop Speed & Acceleration

Without doubt, one of the greatest concerns among today’s athletes and coaches in all sports is how to improve Speed and Power. The workshop will focus on developing Speed and Acceleration for multi-directional sports, covering the theory, coaching methodology and practical demonstrations.  This 1 day workshop is for both coaches and athletes who want to learn how to develop and coach Speed.

No matter what your starting point you can always get faster!

Speed and quickness are skills that can be taught and not just something you were born with. By using a number of specialised acceleration training techniques and football specific conditioning protocols, which stimulate both the muscular and the nervous system, athletes can improve their speed, agility, acceleration and power. These techniques have been used with academy and professional football teams in the UK and Europe with great success in injury prevention and multidirectional speed development.           

Did you know?

65% of footballers over the age of 13 are slower turning on one side than the other, by up to 0.65 of a second.

Many footballers can improve their speed and quickness just by correcting their running biomechanics.

Reactive Speed can be improved by up to 30% with the correct training in just four weeks.

If youngsters don’t acquire the basic movement skills by the age of 12 then they will very rarely make professional footballers

Speed Workshop Agenda

1 Day course

1. Theory Presentation 

  • Biomechanics of multidirectional sport
  • How to develop Speed & Acceleration
  • Long term athlete development
  • When & How to train?
  • The Importance of functional movement
  • Case Studies
  • Question & Answer session

2. Practical session –

  • Running Bionechancis
  • Dynamic Movement Skills
  • Quickness
  • Turning Ability
  • Acceleration & Deceleration

3. Q&A

4. BREAK

5. Practical session 

  • Explosiveness
  • Speed Development
  • Strength & Power

6. Question & Answer Session – Finish at 5.30pm 

Details:

When: Saturday 7th December

Time: Start 12.30 – Finish 5.30pm

Cost: €25

Location: NDSL Academy – Oscar Traynor Coaching & Development Centre

Oscar Traynor Road – Coolock D17

Email: info@thecoachdiary.com

Mobile: 087 218 3837

Categories
Coach Talk

Be A Man: Joe Ehrmann at TEDxBaltimore 2013

I found this talk absolutely fascinating and had to share it with you guys. I had already posted it on Facebook but know lost of people don’t use it, so here it is.

JOE EHRMANN has been an educator, author, activist, pastor and coach for more than 25 years. He was a college All-American athlete who played professional football for 13 years. Among numerous awards, Joe has been named “The Most Important Coach in America” for his work to transform the culture of sports.

I hope you enjoy it!

Something else to read this week, check out the Parent Trap article by Blueprint For Football

Categories
Coach Talk

COACH TALK: Paul Swenson

I have recently been exposed to Horst Wien through some other books, one specifically is “Our Competition Is The World, by Stan Baker. Though it was written with the idea of helping U.S coaches implement the U.S Soccer Youth Curriculum, it really transcends cultural barriers. A coach friend of mine also turned me on to Horst and gave me a copy of his Game Intelligence DVD.

About me: I am 51 and have played soccer since I was 8 or 9 years old. I played what we call “recreational” soccer as a youth, which means non elite or non select. Perhaps the terms are the same in Ireland? I had the opportunity to play college soccer as a young man. I have kept playing since, and have only recently begun to slow down because of injury.

When did you start coaching soccer?

I have been coaching for around 12 years? Not sure exactly. 3 years ago my local youth club opened up a part time position for Recreational Coaching Director. I was the only one to apply for the job. I am a photographer by trade, but soccer is my passion. My inspiration is the belief I have that I can make a difference in kids lives through my efforts in educating coaches, and maybe influencing a very needed change in the youth soccer culture.

Who do you get your inspiration from?

My inspiration is the people who thank me for my efforts, and the gratitude I get from the children. I also have a very good friend John with whom I share the passion for change, and without his support and mentorship I would not be where I am today. When I read your blog, it sounds Exactly like what we go through here. Cultural Adult ideas of competition and the desire to Win at all costs are strong.

Does the US encounter the same problems we do, are adults more competitive then the kids?

Change shifting toward player development, player centered coaching is starting to happen, but slowly. There is still this strong idea that the only way for kids to be truly successful at the sport is to identify elite players at young ages, and try to put together travel teams to go and Win games. Parents and coaches are resistant to new ideas. To be honest, those that are resistant, I feel, are a Vocal Minority, and that most parents understand the value and reasoning behind player development, and I mean developing the whole player, not just technically, but as a person, those true values of humility and sportsmanship, BUT most organizations are held hostage and intimidated by this vocal minority.

What is your coaching Philosophy?

My general philosophy is that player development is a long term educational process, that every child has unlimited potential, and that the game of soccer cannot be taught in a dictatorial fashion, but only as guided training. This, as you are fully aware, is the science of coaching the game. This link is a paper I wrote last year for my coaches, but my ideas are ever evolving thanks to people like my friend John, and experts in the field like Horst.

What age do you move to 11v11 and what changes would you make to grassroots soccer?

Currently our kids move to 11 v 11 at U-12. Our U-10s play 8 v 8. Our U-8s play 4v4 with no goalkeepers. Our U6s used to play organized competitive 3v3 or 4v4 games (can’t remember which). I was able to move that program away from that into a Kids Club hour, where every child has a ball playing fun one player per ball dribbling games, with some low pressure 2 minute 2 v2 games to finish the hour.

 What is happening in the US in relation to change, do people want change?

If I could wave a magic wand I would like to see the recommendations Horst outlines per age and numbers per side. I would like to see Funino played at the U8 and U10 level. This year, since our Fall season is already in the planning phase, my intention is to expose my coaches to Horst’s work in the hopes that they can implement his ideas in their training sessions. Then perhaps “sell” my organization on making Funino the format, for at least U8 next season. On a grander scale, I world like to see this division we have in my community and America in general between competitive elite teams and recreation (Grassroots for you?) go away.

In the U.S., there are pockets of change. The science is there every where you look, you would have to be blind not to see it, but the urge for Glory as a means to an end from well meaning adults is strong in our culture. So it is not uncommon for organizations to say they are for player development, then go and form Elite teams for the sake of winning tournaments at ages as young as 8 and 9.

As you can see, I could go on and on about this…so you did not know what you were getting into by asking me a few questions.

*******************************************************

TCD would like to Thank Paul Swenson for this interview.

MRYSL Director of Coaching, REC

www.mrysl.com

Categories
Irish Grassroots Football

Understanding our Children. We have a lot to learn.

Just finished an event on Child and Adolescent Psychology (ESCAP 2013) which ran for 5 days at the Convention Centre in Dublin. One thing came to mind, why do we have so many Child Psychiatrists?

The answer, I have come to believe is because we have failed our children, we have failed to understand them, we also put to much pressure on them to understand things before their time. In a way we allow them to grow up too quickly and then expect them to understand everything a adult does. We no longer let kids be kids and when they do cry for help, we don’t understand them or the support is not there to help them.

Stigma, mental health, child abuse, we have failed our children and continue to do so. There are over 30 organisations in Ireland devoted to child services and over 50 devoted child and adolescent. These services are busier than ever and in fact are under huge pressure to stay up and running. The Child Mental Health coalition was set-up to put pressure on the government to do more for the kids of Ireland. Their vision is..

“That Ireland should be one of the best places in the world to be a child, where every child’s right to mental health is realised. Not only does the Government have an obligation to improve the lives of children in Ireland, it has the power to make this happen”.

If you put child mental health into google search, you will be very surprised to see the vast amount of organisations operating in Ireland in this field. So that tells me that Mental Health is now an everyday issue, so there should no longer be stigma attached to child mental health or mental health in general. The quicker we accept it and understand the quicker we can help our children and this might prevent another death by suicide and devastation for another Irish family.

95% of Irish people believe that talking to a friend or family member is helpful for looking after mental health. Reports have also shown that many are socially isolated and don’t have many friends or get out and about very often. That’s why we must encourage people to not only look after their own mental health but also that of others. It is no wonder there is still such a stigma surrounding mental health problems when the “mental” word is not even part of the child health vocabulary of parents and service providers. It is as if mental health is irrelevant to small children and it shouldn’t be. Your mental health is so important.

Obligations

As people who are regularly in touch with children of all ages we have an obligation to keep them in sport for as long as we can. Reports have proven that the positive, direct effects of engaging in regular physical activity are particularly apparent in the prevention of several chronic diseases, including: cardiovascular disease, diabetes, cancer, hypertension, obesity, depression and osteoporosis. A number of studies have shown that exercise may play a therapeutic role in addressing a number of psychological disorders and it has also shown that sport has a positive influence on depression.

“Be careful how you speak to your children, one day it will become their inner voice”

Physical self-worth and physical self-perception, including body image, has been linked to improved self-esteem. The evidence relating to health benefits of physical activity predominantly focuses on intra-personal factors such as physiological, cognitive and affective benefits, however, that does not exclude the social and inter-personal benefits of sport and physical activity which can also produce positive health effects in individuals and communities.

Let keep kids healthy, let’s keep our kids in Sport.

Worth a Listen

Jim McGuinness on the benefits of Sport   (Mental Health piece starts 28mins in)

Gever Tulley talks about ‘5 dangerous things for kids’ 

Ruby Wax on Mental Health

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I always like to hear your opinions. Please comment below or email me info@thecoachdiary.com If, you don’t have anything to add then please forward this on to a friend. Thanks for reading.

I’m also on twitter @Coachdiary

Categories
Soccer Parents

Understanding Bullying

A big part of coaching is teaching the kids you coach about respect and teaching them to accept others for they way they are. Nothing worse then to find out that your own child has gotten into trouble for picking on someone or is part of a gang that has been bullying other kids.

As difficult as it may be to process this news, it’s important to deal with it right away. Whether the bullying is physical or verbal, if it’s not stopped it can lead to more aggressive antisocial behaviour and interfere with your child’s success in school and ability to form and sustain friendships.

“Never take a person’s dignity: it is worth everything to them, and nothing to you”.

Understanding Bullying Behavior

Kids bully for many reasons. Some bully because they feel insecure. Picking on someone who seems emotionally or physically weaker provides a feeling of being more important, popular, or in control. In other cases,kids bully because they simply don’t know that it’s unacceptable to pick on kids who are different because of size, looks, race, or religion.

In some cases bullying is a part of an ongoing pattern of defiant or aggressive behavior. These kids are likely to need help learning to manage anger and hurt, frustration, or other strong emotions. They may not have the skills they need to cooperate with others. Professional counseling can often help them learn to deal with their feelings, curb their bullying, and improve their social skills.

Some kids who bully at school and in settings with their peers are copying behavior that they see at home. Kids who are exposed to aggressive and unkind interactions in the family often learn to treat others the same way. And kids who are on the receiving end of taunting learn that bullying can translate into control over children they perceive as weak.

What if the kid you bullied at school, grew up, and turned out to be the only surgeon who could save your life?” – Lynette Mather

Helping Kids Stop Bullying

Let your child know that bullying is unacceptable and that there will be serious consequences at home, school, and in the community if it continues.

Try to understand the reasons behind your child’s behavior. In some cases, kids bully because they have trouble managing strong emotions like anger, frustration, or insecurity. In other cases, kids haven’t learned cooperative ways to work out conflicts and understand differences.

Tactics to Try

Take bullying seriously:

Make sure your kids understand that you will not tolerate bullying at home or anywhere else. Establish rules about bullying and stick to them. If you punish your child by taking away privileges, be sure it’s meaningful. For example, if your child bullies other kids via email, text messages, or a social networking site, dock phone or computer privileges for a period of time. If your child acts aggressively at home, with siblings or others, put a stop to it. Teach more appropriate (and nonviolent) ways to react, like walking away.

Teach kids to treat others with respect and kindness:

 Teach your child that it is wrong to ridicule differences (i.e., race, religion, appearance, special needs, gender, economic status) and try to instill a sense of empathy for those who are different. Consider getting involved together in a community group where your child can interact with kids who are different.

  • Learn about your child’s social life. Look for insight into the factors that may be influencing your child’s behavior in the school environment (or wherever the bullying is occurring). Talk with parents of your child’s friends and peers, teachers, guidance counselors, and the school principal. Do other kids bully? What about your child’s friends? What kinds of pressures do the kids face at school? Talk to your kids about those relationships and about the pressures to fit in. Get them involved in activities outside of school so that they meet and develop friendships with other kids.
  • Encourage good behavior. Positive reinforcement can be more powerful than negative discipline. Catch your kids being good — and when they handle situations in ways that are constructive or positive, take notice and praise them for it.
  • Set a good example. Think carefully about how you talk around your kids and how you handle conflict and problems. If you behave aggressively — toward or in front of your kids — chances are they’ll follow your example. Instead, point out positives in others, rather than negatives. And when conflicts arise in your own life, be open about the frustrations you have and how you cope with your feelings.

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.”

Starting at Home

When looking for the influences on your child’s behavior, look first at what’s happening at home. Kids who live with yelling, name-calling, putdowns, harsh criticism, or physical anger from a sibling or parent/caregiver may act that out in other settings.

It’s natural — and common — for kids to fight with their siblings at home. And unless there’s a risk of physical violence it’s wise not to get involved. But monitor the name-calling and any physical altercations and be sure to talk to each child regularly about what’s acceptable and what’s not.

It’s important to keep your own behavior in check too. Watch how you talk to your kids, and how you react to your own strong emotions when they’re around. There will be situations that warrant discipline and constructive criticism. But take care not to let that slip into name-calling and accusations. If you’re not pleased with your child’s behavior, stress that it’s the behavior that you’d like your child to change, and you have confidence that he or she can do it.

If your family is going through a stressful life event that you feel may have contributed to your child’s behavior, reach out for help from the resources at school and in your community. Guidance counselors, pastors, therapists, and your doctor can help.

Getting Help

To help a child stop bullying, talk with teachers, guidance counselors, and other school officials who can help you identify situations that lead to bullying and provide assistance.

Your doctor also might be able to help. If your child has a history of arguing, defiance, and trouble controlling anger, consider an evaluation with a therapist or behavioral health professional.

As difficult and frustrating as it can be to help kids stop bullying, remember that bad behavior won’t just stop on its own. Think about the success and happiness you want your kids to find in school, work, and relationships throughout life, and know that curbing bullying now is progress toward those goals.

Article by:

D’Arcy Lyness, PhD

Behavioral Health Editor, KidsHealth
Child and Adolescent Psychologist
Wayne, PA

If you are affected by Bullying please contact REACHOUT.IE for help.

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